Dirty, Dirty, Dandies

Sorry for my lack of posts these past two days, I have been under the weather with a bad stomach bug (which started with me vomiting pretty colors and ended in the ER). As a result, I have not really had time to post or to pay attention to things for posting.

People often think of today's teenagers as being perverted and dirty minded. This perception is not untrue. However, they tend to fail to take into account this fact:

Everyone, no
Matter sex, race, or age is
A bit perverted.


Really, even hundreds of years ago, when you'd expect everybody to be all prim and proper, people (and upperclass ones at that) had dirty, dirty minds (in fact, the Hasbro game "Dirty, Dirty, Dandies" is based on them). Seriously. In my English class, we're reading the works of Oscar Wilde, Verlaine, Baudelaire, Michael Field (who is actually 2 lesbians), and Von Sacher-Masoch (whose last name is the origin of the word "masochism."). They write poems and pieces about lesbians and sex and all sorts of artful and perverted things. They are dirty minded individuals, so next time your parents chide for a "that's what she said" joke, remind them that some of the greatest writers in history were perverts.

"No, Professor, I'm not bored- in fact, I'm in a state of ennui right now"

It's almost the weekend! And it's a beautiful day outside! And there's snow on the ground! And I'm not sure what to write about!

Let's see... as I believe I've mentioned before, I'm taking a class called "Decadence." It's incredibly interesting, and we read works that barely count as homework, such as Poe, Oscar Wilde, Baudelaire, Whistler, and other such writers. Apparently all of these authors were known as the "decadent" writers, meaning that they liked aestheticism (or "l'art pour l'art" as they called it) and laziness/boredom (or ennui as they liked to refer to it. Just a fancy way of saying that they're bored). Oh, and they thought death was poetic.

They wrote all of these praiseworthy poems and wonderful works. However, there's a little something I don't understand. Their whole moral system revolves around this ennui.

If they're so lazy
Why do they write full poems
Instead of haikus?

I mean, really. Haikus are just so easy to write on the spot. It seems like it would have made much more sense if these writers wrote them. They're just so much easier. For someone bored with the world, it just seems reasonable. And no, I'm not decadent. If I was, I'd be writing many, many more limericks- trust me.

Stalking is the Best Form of Flattery

Well, apparently today is Friday. Which means that yesterday's post was horribly inaccurate. You see, I stated that it was Wednesday, when, in fact, it was Thursday. What a hilarious misunderstanding (props to you if you caught that reference). I wonder if someone who lied about the date in court could be charged for perjury.

The days of the week are even more of a blur when I'm at home. For instance, a good question that I could ask is "what on earth happened to Thursday, and why does my shirt smell like apples?" Unfortunately for me, my shirt does not smell of apples, which is sad considering that apples smell delectable.

In any case, I am at home, it is Friday, and my clothing does not smell of delicious fruits. And, if you cannot tell, I am at a lack of words. Well, not actually- but you know what I mean... flowing, pointed, well-crafted words.

Since I am in a rather random mood, it would seem- I shall post a rather random haiku, that I shall select from my large list of haikus that I wrote one day when I was bored.


J.R.R. Tolkien
Would be so disappointed
In Elvish Speakers


I know that they try to show their love of his work by learning the very languages that it's based on, but really? The level of obsession some fans take their hobbies to is absolutely ridiculous. Speaking Elvish, getting ear alterations, learning Klingon (which my spellcheck accepts as a word), running into the wall between Platforms 9 and 10, the list goes on and on. The authors (or whoever can claim responsibility for the work), could have a couple of possible reactions. They could be flattered, for one- since people are showing such love for the work; they could be disappointed, as in "it's just a story... get a life"; or they could be greatly disgusted, as in "ewwwww, obsessed fans." I would expect the 2nd or 3rd. Come to think of it, the whole situation is similar to being stalked- you may be flattered that someone chooses to stalk you, but in the end they're probably not going to end up in your good graces.

Now, if you'll excuse me- I need to get back to rereading The Silmarillion for the 100th time.

Twilight: Irrestible Evocation of Inedible Synonyms, With 33% More Angst Per Chapter!

Well, I promised, so here it is.

Twilight.... Twilight... where to start. So many things to make fun of, so little time. And most of it has been done. Actually, all of it has probably been done.

But I'll try to be as original as I can, not knowing any of the parodies.

Twilight is really just your standard boy meets girl story. Except it's more like: boy stalks girl and watches her sleep, boy saves girl's life, girl falls in love with boy completely superficially, girl and boy angst, boy and girl angst some more, boy saves girl's life again, boy want to kill girl, boy sucks girls blood, etc, etc, etc, you know the rest. And it's not necessarily in that order.

Now, it's not just that the plot is ridiculous and cliche- it's that the book is horribly written. For numerous reasons. The first, and perhaps most obvious, is this fact:

Twilight could not be
Without the synonym thing
In Microsoft Word

If you read the book, you could get that idea within a couple of minutes. Allow me to provide an example:

With his porcelain skin, golden eyes, mesmerizing voice, and supernatural gifts, Edward is both irresistible and impenetrable

Now, let's see what that actually means when we un-synonym-ize it:

With his ceramic skin, golden eyes, interesting voice, and weird gifts, Edward is both tempting and dense

I no longer blame her for using that button.

Now, I will provide you with some lines from Twilight, and you can guess if Stephanie Meyer wrote them, or if I did.

"I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night."

"This kiss frightened me. There was too much tension"

"If I could dream at all it would be about you, and I'm not ashamed of it."

"Yes, I know that I'm an angsty, moody douchebag who hasn't showered in a hundred years- but you're an angst-ridden, temperamental, ungrateful bitch, and I want to be with you. More than that, I want to be angsty with you, and have angsty sex, but not until after marriage so we can subliminally create Mormon undertones."

If you guessed that I wrote any of those- you're dead wrong. All of those were written by Stephanie Meyer. Such prose, am I right? Although that last one is actually quite poetic, if I do say so myself.

"How To Make Millions And Become Famous" For Dummies

You're probably wondering why I have yet to post about Sarah Palin's Going Rogue (not her going rogue, her book). Well, it is mainly because I have not had the chance to read it. I've changed that now, and will be making this post almost completely uninformed about the book.

Get rich quick: Run for
VP, get hated by all,
And then write a book.


That's right, it's a perfect scheme. First, you become governor of a state with 2 occupants, and either bribe them with moose pelts (if they're in to that) or threaten them with a rifle (don't shoot them though: you can't do that until you actually are VP). If you want some advice, run as a republican, and make your platform saying that you are an "average Joe" (not necessarily a plumber though... and not necessarily with a six-pack of beer). The rest is simple, and will fit on a notecard. Here are some actual notes from Sarah Palin:

Issues:
Abortion: Bad
Gay people: Bad
Democrats: Evil. Elitist. 
Religion: Good
Environment: Bad, but iffy. Save the moose (mooses? meese?) so you can shoot them.
Drilling: God's gift to man

So now, all you need is connections. Or to sleep with the right people. Or both, potentially. Just make sure you don't mix those two too much, else it could end up awkward.

Next, make sure that when you're elected governor, those people stay in line. Then, use your connections to end up on the presidential candidate's desk (or break in and place them there, replacing all of the other potential candidates with pets and Sesame Street characters... just make sure to botch their resumes, or else they may be chosen).

Something else worth noting is to have a sitcom-worthy family. And naming a kid after a part of a gun may help please the NRA. I would recommend Magazine (Mag for short), Muzzle, Hammer (they could also be a superhero), or Bullet. Trig has been taken.

Once you're chosen (presuming you have carried out these previous items successfully), become revered by conservatives and written off as idiotic by liberals (these two usually go hand-in-hand).

Then, when you lose: Write a book about it. Everyone will know your name, and democrats and republicans alike will buy it. Pictures help.

On the off-chance that you win: Get involved in a scandal of some sort as quickly as you can (try to be original. Some untouched territories: polygamy, bestiality, necrophilia, or sell yourself as a prostitute. Everything else has been done). Issue a public apology, resign, and then write a book about it.

With either of these methods, you will end up being rich. I guarantee it. And then you can finally buy that ski resort you've always wanted, and never have to deal with politics again.

Writer's (Butcher) Block

You know what I hate? When there's something you know that you need to do, but for the life of you can't remember. Last night I set my alarm for about 30 minutes early so that I could do something, but now that I'm awake, I have absolutely no idea as to what that something was. I think it may have been laundry, in which case I'm all set since I just put it in, but I'm still not positive. Oh well, hopefully it wasn't anything too important.

Remember how earlier I talked about how summer in Ithaca goes straight to winter? That may have been a bit of a hyperbole. Right now is what I would refer to as autumn. It is, and has been (minus yesterday's outlandish weather) around 50 degrees, which is prime fall temperature. And it only snowed once in October. Normally we'd be walking to class in the snow by now. I blame global warming.

I hate writer's block. And because I can't think of anything to talk about, I think that is precisely what I will focus my post on.

Writer's block is an
Issue for all real writers.
Unless they're seven.


You ever think about that? I remember being a little kid and writing about absolutely anything, be it dinosaurs, dinosaurs fighting ninjas, dinosaurs with jetpacks, robot dinosaurs, dinosaurs debating healthcare reform, dinosaurs making sandwiches (which is especially hard for t-rexes), or dinosaurs building a rocket ship to save their species. I just never ran out of ideas, and could write for hours upon hours. Now a days I struggle to come up with an idea for the simplest blog post. I often wish I could go back to those good ol' days. It's like all of those avant-garde artists who try to seem like kids: By which I mean people such as William Faulkner, who, like a kid could not string two sentences together; Ornette Coleman, whose "Free Jazz" sounds like a 5 year old on a piano; or Jackson Pollack, whose art looks like a 3 year old who had a little too much fun with a paint brush. Of course, this is precisely what the artists intended, and why people like them (and yes, I do like them... 1 of the 3 at least).

Back to my point: I feel like if I had my writing abilities that I do now and my ability to come up with endless ideas when I was a kid, I would be the juggernaut of blog writing. It would be like if McCain and Palin combined to form the ultimate presidential ticket, with experience and good ol' Alaskan know-how. Wait....

NaSiWoShoStoMo

I look like an idiot. The weatherman said that it would be sunny today, and as a result I decided to bring my sunglasses with me, hanging from my neck. But, of course, the weatherman lied! It has been cloudy and gross all day, and here I am with my shades. You might ask "why don't you just take them off and put them in your bag?" My answer: that would be accepting defeat. I prefer to deny and defy defeat by carrying my sunglasses with me. That way the statement I send is "it's supposed to be sunny, and it damn well had better be sunny" as opposed to "it was supposed to be sunny, but it's not so I'm putting my sunglasses away."

Now that I got that out of the way, I had something to talk about, but I forgot. I really need to write down and/or tweet haikus as soon as I think of them. Here's something I randomly thought of just now.

One thing that a large number of people tend to do in November is the NaNoWriMo. The challenge is to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. That equates to a little less than 2000 words per day. There is no reward other than self-satisfaction and being able to accomplish something huge. Sadly, quantity is valued over quality though, and as a result- the novels are likely not very good from many people (no offense). It's still a large accomplish, but if you want to write a novel you should not need a competition to inspire you to do it, and you certainly shouldn't rush to finish it. John Updike, a professional writer (well, he's dead now), used to write 3 pages a day. For this competition, one would be writing more pages per day than someone who made his living writing. This is not to say that I'm against the competition, no- I just feel that if you are serious about writing a novel you should not need a competition as such. I would also like to suggest a competition for those who are not as Carpal-Tunnel-y inclined:

50,000 words?
Why not try to write for "Six
Word Short Story Month"?


That's right. I suggest that rather than writing a 50,000 word novel, you put that effort into writing a super epic, high-quality six-word short story. It would equate to writing about a letter every day or two. There would be such suspense to it: You sit down at your computer, and you have to choose. What will it be for today? A vowel? A consonant? Perhaps both?! (crazy talk, I know). This option is much more suitable for someone who favors quality over quantity, or who is lazy, or has a really short attention span. And trust me, when the month is through- you would probably be much more proud of an absolutely unmatchable short story than you would for 50,000 lukewarm words.

If It Can't Be Told In 6 Words, Shut Up And Don't Tell It.

Well, I hope you liked yesterday's video post. If you didn't watch it, watch it now. I will be posting another song later this week.

Today is Monday. I am especially upset by this Monday because I have a ton of work to do over the next week (you'd best expect only a post or so a day from me). I had something to talk about, but I forgot.

The past few minutes I've been writing six word short stories inspired by Ernest Hemingway's famous challenge. I will post a few of them (they're not all funny, I'll warn you. In fact a few are dark humor-ish):


She was ugly. He was drunk.

Childbirth. He never saw her naked.

Harry Potter found guilty of witchcraft (This is based on that post I made a while back)

He was a musician. She paid.

She was a republican. Didn't work out.

Zombie apocalypse: Racism not an issue.


I, of course, will still provide you with a haiku:

Six-word short stories
Are perfect for all those with
Short attention spans


Yep. If you don't have the ability to write or read a full short story, this is the type you write. It's incredibly difficult to do, but it's a lot easier to not lose your train of thought for halfway through (unless you have a really, really short attention span). Only having 6 words is hard in itself though. I usually do the same thing I do for an essay: write what comes to mind, and then whittle it down to 6 words (that was supposed to be a joke. Albeit, a bad joke, but still a joke. I like that word "albeit.").