Twilight: Irrestible Evocation of Inedible Synonyms, With 33% More Angst Per Chapter!

Well, I promised, so here it is.

Twilight.... Twilight... where to start. So many things to make fun of, so little time. And most of it has been done. Actually, all of it has probably been done.

But I'll try to be as original as I can, not knowing any of the parodies.

Twilight is really just your standard boy meets girl story. Except it's more like: boy stalks girl and watches her sleep, boy saves girl's life, girl falls in love with boy completely superficially, girl and boy angst, boy and girl angst some more, boy saves girl's life again, boy want to kill girl, boy sucks girls blood, etc, etc, etc, you know the rest. And it's not necessarily in that order.

Now, it's not just that the plot is ridiculous and cliche- it's that the book is horribly written. For numerous reasons. The first, and perhaps most obvious, is this fact:

Twilight could not be
Without the synonym thing
In Microsoft Word

If you read the book, you could get that idea within a couple of minutes. Allow me to provide an example:

With his porcelain skin, golden eyes, mesmerizing voice, and supernatural gifts, Edward is both irresistible and impenetrable

Now, let's see what that actually means when we un-synonym-ize it:

With his ceramic skin, golden eyes, interesting voice, and weird gifts, Edward is both tempting and dense

I no longer blame her for using that button.

Now, I will provide you with some lines from Twilight, and you can guess if Stephanie Meyer wrote them, or if I did.

"I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night."

"This kiss frightened me. There was too much tension"

"If I could dream at all it would be about you, and I'm not ashamed of it."

"Yes, I know that I'm an angsty, moody douchebag who hasn't showered in a hundred years- but you're an angst-ridden, temperamental, ungrateful bitch, and I want to be with you. More than that, I want to be angsty with you, and have angsty sex, but not until after marriage so we can subliminally create Mormon undertones."

If you guessed that I wrote any of those- you're dead wrong. All of those were written by Stephanie Meyer. Such prose, am I right? Although that last one is actually quite poetic, if I do say so myself.

Judging a Cornell Student By Its Cover

Well, the weekend is upon us. And I cannot express how happy I am. I can finally sit back and relax. Until I have to write my two essays for Monday.

Yesterday, in spite of the freezing cold, I spent about an hour outside people watching. And I realized something:

You can always tell
Where someone's from based on their
Clothing in winter.


Here's a quick guide:

Hoodie + jeans = Northeast
Jacket + jeans = Midwest
Coat + jeans = South, or well-prepared person
Hoodie + jeans + shivering = Freshman from the South
Shorts + anything = crazy, or from the arctic
No pants (tights) + anything = sorority girl
Greek letters on hoodie = Frat boy, or someone actually from Greece.
Person in a Harvard shirt = "I applied early to Harvard, assumed I was getting in, was rejected, and had to settle with Cornell"
Person with [insert state school here] shirt = "My sibling is going to this school. I'm going to Cornell to show that I'm better than him/her"

This was a rather barren and sad post. I will be posting later about everybody's favorite trend: "That Time in the Evening When it Starts to Get Dark." Also known as "Twilight."

Return to Sender

Readers, I have some bad news. Santa Claus has been murdered. You might ask, how can an imaginary being be murdered? Well, the fact of the matter is that he was quite real to all of the little kids writing their dreams and wishes to him. And now, he's dead. The culprit? The United States Postal Service.

You probably always thought that waiting in those lines at the post office were harmless, unless you had a bladder problem. However, today, the postal service has proved itself much deadlier than anyone had thought.

Here is my source: An NPR Article all about it.

A random out-of-context quote from it:

"Those [letters addressed to Santa Claus] intercepted by the Postal Service will probably eventually be shredded."

My haiku:

What kind of monster
Would steal Santa Claus from our
Great nation's children?


The answer, as explained in the article: A registered sex offender was found to be working as one of Santa's helpers. Really? One sex offender among a community of hundreds? Seems a little fishy to me. Especially considering the already thin line between Santa and sex offenders (considering that he does see you when you're sleeping, which is just plain creepy). No, I blame the Grinch. Who is apparently in cahoots with the USPS.

Just to clarify, the present delivering services will still be active. However, the temporary positions regarding letter-replying services have been eliminated due to the economic conditions.

SONG: Break-Up Text

My new song is up!

It's about a break-up text (don't worry, the speaker is a hypothetical character that is definitely not me), and may or may not be slightly mocking the number of similes used in popular music. Hopefully you'll get all of the jokes. A couple of them might be a little obscure.

Enjoy!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-Q5bGWumK8


Look for a vlog post this weekend. Or don't. Although if you check the site I suppose you don't really need to look for it.

Follow me on Twitter! http://www.twitter.com/Teowulf

"How To Make Millions And Become Famous" For Dummies

You're probably wondering why I have yet to post about Sarah Palin's Going Rogue (not her going rogue, her book). Well, it is mainly because I have not had the chance to read it. I've changed that now, and will be making this post almost completely uninformed about the book.

Get rich quick: Run for
VP, get hated by all,
And then write a book.


That's right, it's a perfect scheme. First, you become governor of a state with 2 occupants, and either bribe them with moose pelts (if they're in to that) or threaten them with a rifle (don't shoot them though: you can't do that until you actually are VP). If you want some advice, run as a republican, and make your platform saying that you are an "average Joe" (not necessarily a plumber though... and not necessarily with a six-pack of beer). The rest is simple, and will fit on a notecard. Here are some actual notes from Sarah Palin:

Issues:
Abortion: Bad
Gay people: Bad
Democrats: Evil. Elitist. 
Religion: Good
Environment: Bad, but iffy. Save the moose (mooses? meese?) so you can shoot them.
Drilling: God's gift to man

So now, all you need is connections. Or to sleep with the right people. Or both, potentially. Just make sure you don't mix those two too much, else it could end up awkward.

Next, make sure that when you're elected governor, those people stay in line. Then, use your connections to end up on the presidential candidate's desk (or break in and place them there, replacing all of the other potential candidates with pets and Sesame Street characters... just make sure to botch their resumes, or else they may be chosen).

Something else worth noting is to have a sitcom-worthy family. And naming a kid after a part of a gun may help please the NRA. I would recommend Magazine (Mag for short), Muzzle, Hammer (they could also be a superhero), or Bullet. Trig has been taken.

Once you're chosen (presuming you have carried out these previous items successfully), become revered by conservatives and written off as idiotic by liberals (these two usually go hand-in-hand).

Then, when you lose: Write a book about it. Everyone will know your name, and democrats and republicans alike will buy it. Pictures help.

On the off-chance that you win: Get involved in a scandal of some sort as quickly as you can (try to be original. Some untouched territories: polygamy, bestiality, necrophilia, or sell yourself as a prostitute. Everything else has been done). Issue a public apology, resign, and then write a book about it.

With either of these methods, you will end up being rich. I guarantee it. And then you can finally buy that ski resort you've always wanted, and never have to deal with politics again.

A Hard Point To Get Across

Well, Wednesday, we meet again. It seems as if we cross ways on a regular weekly basis. Almost too regular, if you ask me. It seems as if you come around every 144 hours on the button. I don't mind though: More waffles for me.

Last night was a 50s diner themed dinner at one of the West Campus dining halls. I had a chocolate-chip pancake with strawberries on top, and it was amazing. And I re-realized something. I, personally, would have loved the 50s. Between the jazz clubs, greasy diners, awesome cars, and Marty McFly's sudden appearance, it would have been a great time to live. I would imagine. And then after 10 minutes I would probably get bored and feel the need to check my Facebook. How on earth did they live without the internet. Strange people.

The other night was also the meteor shower. I say "the other night" as opposed to "last night," because it was, in fact, Monday night. Something ironic I found about it? The Astronomy 101 exam was the following day. I feel that not many future-astronomers had the opportunity to see the meteor shower.

Now, for a haiku:

The innuendo
Is a strong tool to insert
Into any work


Now, the only reason that I bring this up is because I wrote a paper about the sexual innuendo as found within song lyrics. It was a hard topic to stay atop. Not because I would crack up whenever I read them (though this was true), it was mainly because I tried to insert into the whole of the paper as many innuendos as possible. And I'm certainly not trying to do that right now into this paragraph. Of course not. And if there are any, those are purely coincidental, and you have your mind in the gutter.

The Worst Phone OF ALL TIME

Well, I completed my first-ever-completed-single-handedly NYTimes Crossword puzzle yesterday. It was a Monday, but nonetheless, I think it is quite an accomplishment. Mainly the fact that I didn't give up halfway through like I do with 3/4 of crosswords I try (and I feel that most people do the same thing).

Now. It's a Tuesday, and I haven't seen Monday's Daily Show yet, so I can't really talk about current events at the moment. I can, however, make fun of people. That's always an option.

Now, let me spin my wheel of various things to ridicule..... ooh, the iPhone. Hmm, what to say about the iPhone. People know it as perhaps the greatest mobile computer available today. However, most people don't realize that it is perhaps one of the worst mobile phones on the market today. I know, I know, you're probably all on the other end stroking your iPhones, muttering "my precious," and demanding an explanation. Well here's the explanation:

The iPhone fails in a number of departments that a 20$ cell phone can deliver in. It has a horrendous battery life, which makes sense considering that people use it for music, browsing the interwebs, watching videos, and playing games. However, you'd think a mobile computer capable of all of that would be equipped with a more powerful battery life (a trade-off from its deli-meat thinness and ability to fit in any sorority girl's skinny jeans). Another drawback is that it has a huge screen. While this may mean more meandering room, it also results in a larger surface area while the phone is up against your face, which leads to the phone getting hot, and consequentially, your face getting hot. This, in turn, causes people to use headphones which have built in hands-free mics. Which brings me to my haiku:

You look stupid when
Talking into headphones, if
There's a mic or not

You'll see them around campus. People wearing iPod headphones and talking, to seemingly no one in particular. That is because they are talking into the mic attached to the headphones. Yes, you are not the only one who thinks that they look like complete idiots. Using a Bluetooth is bad enough, but iPod headphones makes you look just plain crazed-in-the-head.

Wow this is much more ramble-y than I intended it to be.

One of my inspirations for this post. That, and seeing all of the crazy people walking around talking to no one while listening to music.

So Evil, and yet so Innocent

Well, it's another Monday. In order to stay positive, I will now discuss something that incredibly positive. Girl Scout Cookies!

Now is that time of year. Little girls are out on Ho Plaza, selling their cookies to college students while students quarter-card and yell "Come to The Hangovers Fall Tonic XXX!" Needless to say, I expect that some of those little girls had part of their innocence taken away when they asked "what's a hangover?"

So here all of these adorable scouts are, selling boxes upon boxes of delicious cookies. How can you say no? Well, for me, it's easy. I live by this simple haiku:

If they can't pronounce
The ingredients in their
Products, don't buy them.


Seriously, have you looked at the packaging on the boxes? I doubt any health-concerned parent or scoutmaster would let these children eat the cookies. So why exactly are they allowed to sell them?

Here are the first four ingredients in "Samoas," one of the most popular cookie varieties:

Sugar, vegetable oil (palm, partially hydrogenated palm kernel, soybean and/or cottonseed with TBHQ to preserve freshness), enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamin mononitrate [vitamin B1], riboflavin [vitamin B2], folic acid), corn syrup

A rather long list, for just four ingredients, if I'm not mistaken. Especially considering that half of those ingredients are sugar, and the sugar content is greater than the flour, which is generally considered to be the backbone of any pastry. Also, notice the fact that the second ingredient is "partially hydrogenated," meaning that it contains trans fat- an ingredient linked to cancer, coronary heart disease, infertility, diabetes, Alzheimer's, liver dysfunction, and many many other fun-filled diseases. And yet they market the cookies as being "trans fat free!" I think they may have forgotten the comma that makes it "trans fat, free!" which would still be false advertising, because they are not, in fact, free.

How is that then? Well it's simple- they reduced the size of cookies and the serving size so as to bring the amount of trans fat per serving under 0.5 grams, and therefore are not required to list it on the boxes.

At the same time, there is plenty of other fat and sugar to be worried about. Oh, and preservatives. And all of the greed and corrupt thought that goes into them, but they don't advertise that.

So here's my question for the Girl Scout organization: Why do you let innocent little girls sell such devilish food? Because it makes money? Because it's a longstanding tradition that's been around since 1917 (and I'm sure they had all of these ingredients in it back then)?

Well let me just say: These girls would be better employed selling "natural" or "organic" cookies for more money, or even quarter-carding for The Hangovers. How could someone ever resist coming to a great acappella concert when it's advertised by a little girl? And one that is unlikely to have any adverse effects on their health, at that.

Christian Science Medicine

You know what I find rather annoying? The medical system here at Cornell.

It seems that Cornell
Does everything it can to
Say "just don't get sick"


If you feel sick, you can go to Gannett, the health center on campus. Except if you go to Gannett, chances are you will get more sick, since that's where they keep all of the diseased pigs (not literally). Oh, and anything you do will take forever, since it's still a medical facility and that's a given. And did I mention that it's only open during work hours, and is not open on weekends? So to make up for that fact, they have a 24 hour on-call nurse, who will call you back within 30 minutes after you call them. She will then proceed to go through the list of questions that you could find almost verbatim on webmd.com, and will tell you everything that results from that query, minus the diagnosis.

Yesterday, I was feeling sick with chest pains, so I called. The entire time, it was as though I was being interrogated.

Nurse: "Is it a pressure-pain or a stabbing pain?"
Me: "I swear, I don't know! I don't know!"
Nurse: "That's not an acceptable answer. Answer the question damnit!"

In the end, she suggested that I call an ambulance. The problem with calling an ambulance? Well, first of all, it means calling 911 for something that might just be something do with gas or whatnot. And then you have to go to the Cayuga Medical Center. Which is about 40 minutes away from here and in the absolute middle of nowhere. And you have to go to the ER. So to do that makes it an all-day (or all-night) excursion, something that a student here really can't handle.

So all-in-all, between Gannett's fail of service, and Cayuga Medical Center's fail of convenience, Cornell fails at providing medical assistance to the 14,000 students here. And they wonder why swine flu was such a big deal. In any case, if you're sick here, unless you're ready to waste an entire day on hospital trips, you'll feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis- helpless.