"How To Make Millions And Become Famous" For Dummies

You're probably wondering why I have yet to post about Sarah Palin's Going Rogue (not her going rogue, her book). Well, it is mainly because I have not had the chance to read it. I've changed that now, and will be making this post almost completely uninformed about the book.

Get rich quick: Run for
VP, get hated by all,
And then write a book.


That's right, it's a perfect scheme. First, you become governor of a state with 2 occupants, and either bribe them with moose pelts (if they're in to that) or threaten them with a rifle (don't shoot them though: you can't do that until you actually are VP). If you want some advice, run as a republican, and make your platform saying that you are an "average Joe" (not necessarily a plumber though... and not necessarily with a six-pack of beer). The rest is simple, and will fit on a notecard. Here are some actual notes from Sarah Palin:

Issues:
Abortion: Bad
Gay people: Bad
Democrats: Evil. Elitist. 
Religion: Good
Environment: Bad, but iffy. Save the moose (mooses? meese?) so you can shoot them.
Drilling: God's gift to man

So now, all you need is connections. Or to sleep with the right people. Or both, potentially. Just make sure you don't mix those two too much, else it could end up awkward.

Next, make sure that when you're elected governor, those people stay in line. Then, use your connections to end up on the presidential candidate's desk (or break in and place them there, replacing all of the other potential candidates with pets and Sesame Street characters... just make sure to botch their resumes, or else they may be chosen).

Something else worth noting is to have a sitcom-worthy family. And naming a kid after a part of a gun may help please the NRA. I would recommend Magazine (Mag for short), Muzzle, Hammer (they could also be a superhero), or Bullet. Trig has been taken.

Once you're chosen (presuming you have carried out these previous items successfully), become revered by conservatives and written off as idiotic by liberals (these two usually go hand-in-hand).

Then, when you lose: Write a book about it. Everyone will know your name, and democrats and republicans alike will buy it. Pictures help.

On the off-chance that you win: Get involved in a scandal of some sort as quickly as you can (try to be original. Some untouched territories: polygamy, bestiality, necrophilia, or sell yourself as a prostitute. Everything else has been done). Issue a public apology, resign, and then write a book about it.

With either of these methods, you will end up being rich. I guarantee it. And then you can finally buy that ski resort you've always wanted, and never have to deal with politics again.