"The truthiness will set you free!"

I'm a huge fan of politics. I know that's something most people would not say, and those people would probably give me strange glares when they learned of that (I can see you through your webcam). However, my love for politics manifests itself not in a want for a profession in politics (oh boy... congressman is exactly what I want to do in life), but rather a joy of seeing politics mocked to the nth degree. That being said, I would first like to share this:

I get my news from
Comedy Central and my
Comedy from Fox

Well by now you should know that I am a democrat (if you did not know by now), but fear not- for I will not alienate the quarter of my fan base that is republican (please don't leave, Matt), and will only occasionally touch upon politics. But yes, I thoroughly enjoy Fox News, and find Bill O'Reilly to be absolutely hilarious. But even more funny than O'Reilly is my favorite comedian:

I love Anne Coulter:
She's just like Stephen Colbert
But believes her bull-

Seriously, have you read the works of this woman? She is so entertaining. She is to the logical fallacy as Shakespeare is to the sexual innuendo (BAM! Successful analogy).

That is all.


That quote is from none other than the great Stephen Colbert.

A Tribute

I know I am expected to provide humor in my posts and haikus, but this one is to be different.

I would like to take a moment to recognize all of those who perished in the unspeakably horrific attacks on our nation that took place eight years ago today, on the eleventh of September, 2001. All of the unsuspecting victims who had their lives robbed from them, of which many had not even experienced wonders we take for granted in everyday life: Mothers and fathers, who had yet to see their children say their first words, take their first steps, grow their first teeth, go to the potty for the first time, or go off to college; Children, who had yet to experience most of life's joys or hardships; Students, still at school, who had yet to marry or raise kids of their own; and the lucky few who had already lived life to its fullest and had lived to see and experience all of these things. Then there are the brave firemen, policemen, paramedics, and the likes; who knowingly sacrificed their lives in the hopes of saving others.

And though they are gone today, it is their sacrifices that remind us just how strong our country is.

In times of trouble
Putting aside differences
Show's our nation's strength

The aftermath of 9/11 is a true reflection of what we as a nation are capable of: Men and women of all creeds, religions, sexual orientations, and political affiliations working together under one flag. It didn't matter whether they were black or white; Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or Atheist; gay or straight; republican or democrat: We put aside our differences to repair the damage dealt to our country. It is times like these that show... no, prove that our nation truly is indivisible.

So for all of the men and women who died on the flights, in the towers, or in the cataclysm that ensued; for all of those who knowingly sacrificed their lives to serve their country on that fateful day; and for all of those who have since then died to serve their country overseas in foreign lands: A moment of silence, please.




And to all of those who live yet to serve our nation: the policemen, firemen, paramedics, doctors, and the soldiers serving overseas: I salute you- and take comfort in knowing that our nation has such dedication behind its protection.


Thank you.

"Tut tut, it looks like rain"

I truly feel sorry for those poor souls who were disillusioned into thinking that Ithaca is always this beautiful sunny paradise, as the weather during Cornell Days (an event for accepted students in April) would suggest. You see, every single year, the President of Cornell is always actually a wizard, who wards off all bad weather for the 3 weeks of Cornell Days. It constantly rains until the event begins, and the moment it ends, rain comes back (I considered the mad-scientist with a weather machine explanation, but decided that this was more in the vein of popular culture). These past three weeks have been not unlike Cornell Days, with only one or two rainy days, and only a couple of cloudy days.

I am so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but this Cornell that you may, by now, have come to love, is completely different. I'm willing to wager that today (a rainy looking day, as foreshadowed by this post's title) is the start of the actual (as opposed to fantasy) weather in Ithaca. I really cannot properly predict though, as this haiku will explain:

Ithaca's weather's
More random than even the
Following haiku

And the following haiku:

Monosyllabic
Socioeconomic
Hippopotamus


Yeh, pretty random right? Well, just wait for the wrath of Ithaca's weather.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try to get off of central campus and back to my dorm before I am stranded in the Olin library by downpour.

TTFN!

And if you don't know the source of my title, I am greatly disappointed in you. It is from no other than Winnie the Pooh, a classic childhood story/show.

Hey, wait! Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a cliche!

I love superheroes as much as the next guy. Whenever there's a new movie out, I tend to go to it (unless it gets horrendous reviews), and I find that DC makes fantastic movies, and has a tendency to be more creative with their movies than Marvel (And I can't wait to see what Disney has in store for us). However, there's always been one thing that bugs me about one of DC's flagship characters:

Superman's powers
Could easily have come from
A 5 year old's mind


I mean, come on! I can imagine it now... a DC rep walking into his kindergartner's class and asking the kids "hey kids! If you could make your own superheroes, what powers would they have?!" The responses would sound something like "he can fly," "he's invincible," "he has laser beams for eyes," "he's super strong," "he's super fast," "he has great hearing," "he has projectile vomit!" The DC people would then see how they can work with these and came up with the idea of Superman. But wait! There's a complication. Here's what that conversation would have looked like:

"He's good.... too good.... what can we do to give a Superman a weakness?"
"Hmm... how about we make him lactose intolerant?"
"That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard, Johnson"
"Ok.... well, how about we make him allergic to something?"
"Again, horrible idea"
"Hmmm, well what if he's allergic to a random, obscure element on the periodic table?"
"That's crazy enough that it just might work. What element were you thinking?"
"How about... nitrogen?"
"No, no... he wouldn't be too super if it was nitrogen.... no, it needs to be something rarer.... something more... noble..... like krypton! But it can't be krypton because that would be far too easy for villains to procure... we shall make our own element and call it kryptonite!"
"But we can't just make our own element sir!"
"Oh yes we can... we're DC!"

That's pretty much exactly how the conversation played out in my head. Sorry if I offended anyone who happens to be allergic to a random, obscure element, or who happens to be overzealous about DC and/or Superman.

All in a day's work.

"She turned me into a newt!.... I got better"

It's a funny thing how the image of the witch has changed over the years from an allegedly existent evil doer with a pointy hat that people fear to a cultural norm that people actually aspire to be. I am not sure how the history of witchcraft looks, but I know that it dates back to pre-medieval times. In Welsh lore, as told in The Mabinogion (yes, I am taking a course on medieval romances, how did you know?) there are women who possess seemingly magical powers, but are not directly referred to as witches. In Macbeth (and I hope that you're not reading this aloud in a theatre), there are the infamous three witches (the ones with "double double toil and trouble") who foretell Macbeth's rise to and fall from power. Wow this is really disorganized... try to stick with me here.

It is these witches that children could be found dressing up as on Halloween, with the pointed nose, pointed hat, robe, broomstick, and everything. People still dress up as witches, but instead of being told "oh look at the scary witch," they are asked "which house are you in?" That's right, Harry Potter has corrupted the classic image of the witch. Now that's not to say that this corruption is a bad thing, in fact it is quite a good thing. But here's something to think about:


It's a good thing that
Harry Potter isn't set in
Puritan Salem


Seriously, have you ever considered that? The potential death toll would be huge! I can just imagine the constant screams of "she's a witch, burn her!" The problem is that any of the tests that the peasants would impose on the witches would be passed. Well, unless the witch didn't have her wand, then the younger witches would fail. But getting the wand in the first place would be an issue.... you'd have to do it while they sleep or something...

Wow, once again I am rambling on. I am terribly sorry. I realize that my past 5 or 6 posts have had far too much text. I have decidedly decided to considerably cut down on the amount of text in each post.




The title of this post is from none other than Monty Python's Holy Grail.

Colonel Sanders with a sausage in the dining hall

I've tried being a vegetarian, and it's not easy. The urge to eat meat is just far too overwhelming for me to resist. I can avoid red meat if I really want to, but those grilled chicken sandwiches always have me coming back (curse you KFC Colonel Sanders who was the first person I could think of having to do with chicken although really hardly has anything to do with my personal chicken intake save for the occasional trip to KFC, in which case I usually do not order the grilled chicken sandwich but rather order fried chicken or something of that nature). All of that being said though, there are some things I come across that almost make me want to go vegetarian (like seeing baby cows tied down and not allowed to move for their entire short lives, or seeing lambs massacred before they even hit the rank of sheep).

So to that effect, I've taken time to write a haiku pondering one such item that sways me slightly towards vegetarianism.

Sausage is tasty
Just make sure that you do not
Look inside of it


I actually wrote this haiku while having breakfast over at my local dining hall, where I happened to look inside of one of the sausages. It's not too bad, I suppose, as long as you don't think about what you see. It's like seeing a horror film: It may not be too bad when you're viewing it, but it gets you when you think about it afterward. Wow, I suck at analogies. How on earth did I pass my SAT verbal? Oh well, that's a different haiku. But anyway, just make sure you don't look inside of the sausage to see all of the chopped up little bits of meat, and certainly don't go asking yourself "where on earth did this meat come from?" It's just not a pleasant thing to think about. A better analogy would be the hot dogs you see at those stands on city streets. Although I suppose that's the same type of thing so it wouldn't really qualify as an analogy. Dang, I'm bound to have a bunch of failed analogy haikus. Maybe I'll stick with writing haikus about analogies.

This is all getting far too silly.

On a different note, I discovered my superpower (don't question me) of posting blogs at a scheduled time. This blog was posted while I was still asleep (Professor Maas would be proud). Maybe that would explain the nonsensical-ness of it.



The end.....?

Every Rose has its fake, gaudy, and often ugly plastic thorn

We are all guilty of it at some point. Just admit it now, there is no shame in it. Oh I'm sorry, when I say "it," I mean the butchering of a helpless flower just trying to get by with the meager water given to it by those people who are mindful enough to care. This mistake is usually no fault of the murderer, but rather the fault of the societal trend for restaurants to have false, plastic flowers on display in their restaurants.

Many a flower
Has been mistook for plastic
And thus wrongly slain


Now, to elaborate on what I have mentioned prior to this sentence I am currently typing at the moment. The crime we are all guilty of is (drum roll please... or not, drum rolls are too cliche. If I needed a drum roll for any purpose I would probably request a New Orleans big band or something. Or a vibraslap. Those things are sweet.) testing to see if a flower is plastic and finding out that it isn't the hard way. Or maybe I'm the only one who has done that, in which this post is pointless.

I suppose what I am getting at is that I find plastic flowers in bad taste, and frown upon the number of flowers that are slain from a case of mistaken identities. It's like all of those people who end up in jail despite being innocent.... or not. Yeh, not really actually, so disregard that analogy.

SQUIRREL! (runs away cliche-edly)

Social Darwinism

That's right. You've heard it in your Soc 101 lectures, you've seen it on the History channel, and you've experienced it in your everyday life. You may not know it, but your entire life is dictated by Social Darwinism. The reason I am talking about this now is actually because of my Soc 101 lecture today, in which our professor spoke of evolutionary sociology and all of that jazz. All I have to say is that:

If life is based on
Survival of the fittest
America's screwed

When I say fit, I, of course, mean physically fit. So pretty much disregard everything I said above.

Seriously, have you seen the obesity epidemic of late? It's so bad that people are spending more money for less product, having been disillusioned that these items are any more healthy than the standard product (well they are technically, since there is less of them... but you shouldn't need them- ever heard of plastic baggies? Ziploc, Glad, you pick.). This would be an opportune time to insert an "our nation's so fat" joke, but that would be in bad taste (so fat that coastal states are flooding themselves). I guess what I'm trying to get at is that our nation is not physically fit (and as such, ironically, would not qualify for the Boy Scouts who vow to stay fit) and therefore would not survive in a would of survival of the fittest. Why am even talking about this? Guess my soc. lectures are rubbing off on me after all the talking about senior citizens and bingo (don't ask).

New paragraph! That was a long one. You see, it's not that Americans aren't hardworking- we are. It's just that at the same time we find ways to cut corners (For instance, fast food), which ultimately diminishes an individual's physical prowess. Dang I am really rambling and it's not even funny... what is wrong with me? Don't answer that please.

Haiku!

Concerning hobbits:
Fat, lazy, yet hardworking,
Like Americans

Just look at all of the parallels. Now, however, is not the time for me to showcase my sad (or impressive, but most likely the former) obsession with Tolkien. 

And thus ends an overly long post.


That title is boring. I should change it. But I won't.

Fin.

Tea and Crumpets

If you read that title and thought British, don't worry- you're not racially profiling (well, maybe a little). British people do indeed love tea and crumpets (or so I've heard), but don't often have the two in tandem, much like Americans only occasionally have apple pie and french fries (unless you are Morgan Spurlock and/or making a movie about the obesity epidemic). Unfortunately, today I am not talking about British people (that's another day), but rather am advocating people randomly switching to British accents to make life a bit more interesting.

So that being said:

Everything is much
More fun when read in British
Accents. Mmmm, yes. Quite.


Hopefully you read that in a British accent. If not, please reread, for its purpose (because all haikus have purposes, right?) would be lost if you do not.

And now for something completely different which has absolutely nothing to do with British people or British accents. In fact, disregard everything I just said when reading the following:

Today for breakfast
I shall fancy a waffle
Perhaps with some tea


Fun, isn't it?

 

Who Stole the Cookie From the Cookie Jar?

Since tonight is cookie night on my floor, I have decided to make this post in tribute to the quintessential chocolate chip cookie. Or should I say the tearing apart of a classic American way of life.

Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The cookie monster. Or should I say, the veggie monster. Seriously, teaching our nation's youth to crave vegetables is like teaching your dog to clean up its own feces:  It's not going to happen. That being said, it makes very little sense to ruin an American symbol who has been an inspiration to children everywhere since the year of the moon landing (That was 40 years ago by the way for those of you ready to Google it). This figure taught our children the art of nomming and the occasionally omming, and once in a while the timeless "om nom." You cannot om nom to vegetables. Well, maybe corn, but that's irrelevant. Ok, I'm rambling. I'm sorry, I get very heated about this issue.

So all that being said, I give you my anticlimactic haiku which will seem so underwhelming compared to the above rant.

The Veggie Monster
Would be dominated by
The Cookie Monster

I am referring, of course, to if the two were in a fight to the death. While this could not actually happen unless the veggie monster steals the DeLorean in six years (2015 for those who do not wish to add) and travels back in time to confront his former and ultimately superior self. Let's face it, all of the protein and fat provided to the cookie monster would make his victory inevitable. I'm not completely sure what would happen if he killed his future self though...

I would also like to add that there is no vegetable jar. If you wished to destroy another quintessential symbol of our childhoods, you could change it to "who stole the carrot from the refrigerator?" But let's face it, that just doesn't have the same ring to it.

You know it's Laundry Day when...

Your hamper can be donated to a biology major? When your room would be considered a biohazard? When you risk breeding your own strain of swine flu? There are so many ways to finish that statement. For me, it's as simple as running out of clean underwear.

You probably have guessed where I'm going with this post by now. Yes, it is laundry day for me here in beautiful cloudy-with-a-chance-of-rain Ithaca. That being said, I have decided to devote an entire haiku (that's right, all 3 lines!) to my own laundry dealings.


I'm proud to say that
I do all my own laundry
And wear shrunk pink shirts


Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a load of dress shirt and ties to take out of the dryer.

I sold my soul to Google

You may notice that now there happen to be advertisements on the left side of the page. They were not forced on me, but rather, I have decided that if I'm going to be using this as an outlet for procrastination, I may as well try to get a little bit of money out of it. Yes, I know I am a sellout, but better selling out now than letting the site get big and selling out then- you see, this way I am less of a sellout since there is barely anything that I am in fact selling out.

In tribute to this issue, I have written a haiku:

Advertisements: You
Can’t live with them; you can’t make
Money without them


Please keep in mind that I am a college student (who happens to need money), and not some wealthy employed person who is doing this with his free time. No, I am in fact quite human (Surprising as it may be), and as a result do need money too.


And for those of you who care, the title is a 6 word short story, though unintentionally so.

Who Needs a Balanced Breakfast

Putting aside all health concerns and needs for a balanced breakfast as advertised by the cereal industry, I am here today to settle a timeless debate with a simple 17 syllables.

I am, of course, referring to the debate of pancakes versus waffles. Up until a few years ago, I was not even aware of the existence of this issue, and simply assumed that the superior breakfast food was universally acknowledges as being superior. I then came across a friend who wished to contradict my entire way of life. Don't believe that this is an issue? Search for waffles vs. pancakes on google. You will find that it is much more serious an issue than you may think.

So without further ado, may I present my argument for this debate:


Waffles v. pancakes
Which gets its own appliance?
There’s no contest here



For those of you unable to put 7 and 5 together, the appliance I am referring to is a waffle iron.

The(o) Wolf avoids the Piggy

Well, swine flu, which to me had more or less been over-hyped, has struck quite close to home. This evening, my hallmate was rushed to presumably the ER by the EMT (Emergency Medical Troupe I believe. Although team would make more sense than troupe in this century. Why did troupe even come to mind?). So, in response to that, I have decided to compose a haiku. An ode to H1N1 as you will, although I am sure you can expect many more swine haikus to come.

Purell at one point
Was the juice of germaphobes
Swine flu has changed that


That's right- at least here at Cornell, Purell has become as much a presence on campus as cheap beer is at a frat party. This is quite fortuitous for me, as people no longer think I'm weird for carrying around a bottle of Purell (though they soon discover that I am weird for a number of other reasons).

"Are you crying over a kids show?"

Yes, that's right. We are all guilty of it at some point, be it when we are actually a child and witness Bambi's mother's tragic death (sorry for the spoiler), or when we are an adult and relive that traumatic moment of our childhoods. So with that in mind, I wrote the following haiku.

Up probably made
More grown men cry than any
Tragedy, ever


Seriously, it's true. There are at least three different tear-worthy moments in that movie. I will admit that yours truly is guilty of shedding a single tear (or two) at the end of the movie (which I will not spoil, and again, sorry to any Bambi-virgins out there). And if it's a redeeming factor, the other males in my company when attending the movie admitted to doing the same.


Title quote is from an episode of Flight of the Conchords

Wile E. Coyote vs. Acme Corp.

Ok, I know I had only planned to add 1 haiku a day, but alas I could not resist adding more. So I have decided that for now, at the very least, I will post at least 1 or 2 haiku (I can hear the shouts of "that's crazy talk!" through my computer).

This next haiku is about something that I have thought about for years. I am sorry to disappoint any Acme investors out there, but:


Wile E. Coyote
Should not need a good lawyer
For a settlement



Seriously, have you seen what he has been put through? Acme's products are faulty, and should all be recalled. In fact, I shall broadcast my own public service announcement regarding the issue:

Listen consumers:
If you own Acme products,
Demand a refund

(and it may also be wise to refrain from opening and/or using them)

Labor on Labor Day

Well, since Cornell does not see it fit to give us labor day off, I found it appropriate to write a tribute to Monday mornings.


Oh Monday mornings
How I do despise thee and
Love my snooze button

Modern Politics

I've decided to make my first "real" post tonight instead of tomorrow because I feel like it. Don't like it? Well quite frankly, I am not especially concerned.

I thought about this last year in AP English, and only just decided to turn my thought into a haiku.


Dante’s inferno
Would be notably longer
If written today

I should be working, but...

Hello there whoever. I am a freshman at Cornell University. I really should be doing my work, but to procrastinate I decided to write a couple haikus and ended up writing about 20. I figured that it would be a fun to share them with friends and that having a blog would be an ideal way to do so while acting as a time sink. I plan to post a haiku or so a day and hopefully actually stick with this (something I usually am unable to do). So here goes I guess.

To start out I'll use what I had wanted as my title but turned out to be too long (you win this time blogger!).

Surviving college
Is easy with haikus for
Procrastination


Occasionally I may also post 6 word short stories if I am in the mood.