I vant to suck your blood!

In recent years, the book/movie Twilight has become a sensation among teen girls, vampires, and Anne Coulter (who arguably falls into the 2nd category). I'd like to state that I, falling into none of these categories, have not read the books. That being said, I will speak.

As cool as vampires are, I find that they are, in fact, a little bit overrated. First of all, they cannot come out in the day time. Can you say S.A.D.? I mean really, life without sunlight would get incredibly depressing. You would never know the joys of playing tag, or frisbee, or cloud watching, or any of the myriad of wonderful things to do in the sun. Second, you need to drink blood. I mean, you could drink the blood of animals, but what if a farmer sees you and fires a shotgun at you that happens to be loaded with a silver bullet? That would just be unfortunate. Also, would vampires have to worry about STDs and all sorts of diseases when sucking blood? Is there any sort of protection they can use or do they just have to pray (without the cross and holy water, of course) for the best? There are a few other issues I shall not touch upon, but the most important one by far is as such:

Vampires are truly
Overrated. Who wants to
Live without garlic?


Seriously, there are soooo many amazing foods you are missing out on if you don't eat garlic. Some of the greatest dishes ever (many Asian dishes for instance) have garlic as a key ingredient. Given, it does make your breath smelly,  but only in moderation. One might argue that vampires don't eat, and therefore would not care, but that is completely irrelevant.

Finalement!

Taking Professor Maas's Advice to Heart

Today, I settled down in an attempt to take a "power nap" for a couple of hours. My alarm did not go off and I ended up waking up when it was dark outside. Needless to say, I was very, very confused. I now give you the following words of advice:

Napping can be great
Just make sure to remember
To set your alarm


My sleep tonight is going to be greatly inhibited from that nap. On the bright side, however, I may get a few more blog posts in.


Professor Maas in the title is the master of sleep here at Cornell. Unless you attend his lecture at the beginning of the year or read his book you simply cannot have restful sleep. Cornell makes sure of it.

"'Parlez vous francais?'..... 'ehhh..... non'"

Foreign languages can be a real pain to grasp if you don't learn them early, but they can also be great to know in certain contexts. For instance:

Si tu ne parle pas
Francais, tu ne peux pas
Juger les syllables

See, wasn't that fun? For those of you who cannot read that, I said (in horrible French... read it in a French accent to make it better) that if you can't speak French you can not judge the syllables in the haiku (which is not actually a haiku because it does not have the appropriate syllable make up, but you can't tell, which is the point.... shhhh).

But anywho, French can be a fun language to at least know the basics of, for it lets you truly appreciate works such as The Flight of the Conchords' "Foux Da Fa Fa" (where the title quote is from) or the famous French scene in Monty Python's Holy Grail. The uses of the French language don't extend far past that, but for all of the aforementioned reasons (or raisons, in French.... mmmmm raisins), those 4+ years of high school and middle school French could pay off.

"There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's"

Normally I save the title for last, but in this case I feel like I should clarify. There are a number of wrong ways to eat a Reese's. For instance, having it in a salad would be a wrong way. Crumbling it up and putting it in chicken noodle soup would be another wrong way. That being said, I present this:

If pure happiness
Could be a food, it would be
Peanut butter cups


Seriously, they are amazing. I could live solely on peanut butter cup. And I am truly sorry for offending any nut-allergic people in my readership. Wow this post was short. On the bright side, I did not ramble on about George Washington Carver or the amazingness of peanut butter cups (although I think I did manage to get my point across).

"And Now for Something Completely Different"

Alot of great things have come out of Britain. Tea, biscuits, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Harry Potter, The Beatles, Whose Line is it Anyway, cricket, the telephone, French toast, Adam Smith, John Smith, Mr. Smith, Blacksmiths, The Smithsonian, toothpaste (just kidding), and lots of other things. There is one thing I have not put in this list, and if you did not catch it, then shame on you.

Monty Python may
Be the greatest thing ever
To come from Britain


Does anyone beg to differ? If you do, you've probably been eating too much fresh fruit. Monty Python is undoubtedly the most amazing, fantastic thing to ever come out England and even Europe in the history of the universe. Don't believe me? Go look up some sketches on Youtube. I would recommend self-defense against fresh fruit, the ministry of silly walks, the lumberjack song, a dead parrot, the man who contradicts people, cheese shop, the Spanish inquisition, the fish slapping song, a dirty fork, and I could go on forever. To sum it up, Monty Python is amazing. That is all.

I will not even tell you the source of the title.

Fifteen Minutes Could Save you 15% or More on Procrastination

You know those Geiko commercials where they advertise that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance? While that's great, here's something to think about:

Those fifteen minutes
Spent switching to Geico could've
Produced a haiku


I mean, there's a lot you can do with 15 minutes, and although they may not be as productive as switching car insurances, who really wants to spend 15 minutes to switch car insurance? There are so many other things you can be doing, such as counting the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, playing a quick round of ping-pong, watching half of an epic fight scene from The Lord of the Rings, being famous, reading a few of my blog posts, or as aforementioned- writing a haiku (or like 5-15 of them). All of these would be much more entertaining and would overall have a greater contribution to your current state of happiness. Of course, you could still save that 15%, just do it later.

And yes, I am aware that the title makes little to no sense.

"We have the Technology"

With today's technology and advances in genetic engineering, an awful lot is possible. I mean already we have the ability to clone animals Pretty soon, who knows what we will be able to do. One thing I do know though is this:

"When pigs fly" will be
A pointless saying when pigs
Can actually fly


We all know someday it will happen. Some genetic engineer with a sick sense of humor will make pigs with wings solely for that purpose (This will happen right after they make buffalo with wings, of course). Ironically enough, pigs with wings will probably happen when pigs fly.

The title quote is from the movie The Six-Million Dollar Man.

5 more minutes...

We all know the feeling. Your alarm is going off and you just want to keep sleeping. The snooze button is made specifically for this purpose. However, if you press that button, you are instantly applying a label to yourself.

That's right:

There are two people
In this world: Those who press snooze
And those who do not


Those who press snooze are the procrastinators in our society. Those extra 15 minutes of sleep are not going to get you to REM and will ultimately really not gain anything from that time except for the satisfaction gained from procrastination (which, admittedly, is quite a lot). The ones who do not press snooze are our more diligent society members (Anticrastinators? Concrastinators? Why there is no such word is a mystery to me). That's not to say that this is a fulproof method of labeling. Yours truly, for instance, does not press the snooze button and yet I still find my own means of procrastination. Ok, so maybe this isn't exactly a good way to label, but snoozing is still procrastination, and there are still those two types of people in the world. Well, plus those without alarm clocks, so three types really.

Wow this was a fail labeling attempt. And by attempt I mean not an attempt because I don't label. Well, except for my blog posts, I label those. And some people.

Karl Marx: The Fourth Marx Brother

Seriously, have you read this guys works? He's hilarious! It's like Anne Coulter, but in the 19th century (and, admittedly, on the other side). For my Soc 101 class, we had to read some of his Communist Manifesto and I quickly discovered the humor of it. I mean, listen to this:

"It compels all nations, on pain of extinction, to adopt the bourgeois mode of production; it compels them to introduce what it calls civilisation into their midst, i.e.e, to become bourgeois themselves. In one word, it creates a world after its own image."

I would tell you what I wrote in the margins next to that, but I want to leave you to think for yourself. It is hilarious though, believe me. I read the whole section we were assigned, and rather quickly derived the gist of the Manifesto from the part I read:

I never knew that
Capitalism skins and
Kills babies for fun


I bet you didn't know that either, did you? Well now you do. According to Marx, capitalism is effectively the incarnation of the devil, and in its free time it enjoys hunting down babies and eating them alive (don't leave your baby carriage unattended on Wall Street). Overall I found Karl to be quite the comedian, and would suggest that you pick up your own copy of the Communist Manifesto if you want to have a good laugh (just make sure that you have a pencil, or else you won't get the chance to write in the margins (that's the best part)).

Promotion Series 1: Bo Burnham

As some of you may know, I am on the Concert Commission and Program Board here at Cornell. They are in charge of bringing musicians, lecturers, comedians, and speakers in general here (the CCC for the music, the CUPB for the rest). Occasionally, as it draws nearer and nearer to a show, I will donate a post to the promotion of a show. Today will be the first of such a series. The artist to be promoted: Bo Burnham. First, a haiku:

An ode to Bo, yo,
Who is so offensive that
One can't help but laugh

If you don't know of him, go search for him on youtube. He is absolutely hilarious. Sure, most of his stuff is in bad taste, but the general reaction is laughing out loud followed by a remark like "wow, that's horrible, and I'm a horrible person for laughing at that." Don't worry, that's only mostly true.

But in any case, Bo Burnham is coming to Cornell's Bailey Hall a week from now on Monday, September 21st at 8:00 PM. Tickets are on sale and have been for a while. They're only 5 bucks for students and I think 7 for general public. Buy them online at cornellconcerts.com. You can charge the tickets to your bursar account (they'll never know) or with a credit card. Tickets are general admission, so don't worry about buying in a group.

This promotion wasn't especially funny, so here's a lawlcat:

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!"

EDIT: This post lacks a certain degree of silliness. Therefore, I shall add sarcastic commentary in italics and parentheses.

That's right, it's another Monday morning! (I can hear the excitement). You know what that means? Another Monday morning haiku! (Again, I can just hear the excitement).

Each Monday Morning
I wake to the sweet smell of
Procrastination

(Which, oddly enough, smells strangely akin to peanut butter cups and Apple Izzes (more like the smell that you need to take a shower))

That's right. While I face another week of work, I also face another week of procrastination! Not that my week of work is too bad (who cares?). Right now I am reading a number (12 pages worth) of Bob Dylan songs (again, who cares?). Quite the grueling assignment, is it not? (for you, maybe). I also slept over 10 hours in an effort to ward off the swine (mmmm sleep). I love college (well aren't you dandy). On a different note, today marks the 185th anniversary of the writing of the star spangled banner. Bet you didn't know that, did you? (Did you care? (this is a sad attempt to add humor to a practically humorless post. Although I suppose this commentary is the same thing. This commentary will self destruct in 10 seconds after having proven that it has a worthless existence))

The title quote comes from the movie Office Space



(Boom)

"New Zealand: Better than Old Zealand"

New Zealand is definitely number one on my world list of places to visit (Yes, the list is very short... why do you ask?). From what I've seen, on all of those travel documentaries of course (Lord of the Rings), it looks absolutely beautiful. I don't think I would ever want to live there (too boring) unless one condition can be met:

If I were to move
To New Zealand could I live
In a hobbit-hole?


They're so adorable. Who would not want to live in one of those (well, other than a claustrophobic and/or very tall person)? Plus to be able to say that you live in a hobbit hole would just be so cool.


The title quote is from a New Zealand propaganda poster in an episode of Flight of the Conchords

Hey, Where's the Cream Filling?

They say that when there's a cloud you should always look for the silver lining. I, however, like to think outside of the box.

Forget the silver
Lining- look for the cloud with
Hostess cream filling

Clouds with silver lining are sooo romanticism (around the19th century for those of you not up to date on your art history). We are in a new era, and a different train of thought is required. I mean, if you look for the cloud with the silver lining, what are you gonna do with it once you find it? Try to sell it? You'd look absolutely ridiculous walking around trying to sell the silver lining of a cumulonimbus. If, however, you find the cloud with the cream filling, you will, of course, eat it. And it's much more difficult for a parent to tell their kids to "look for the silver lining" and then explain the concept than it is to just ask them "where's the cream filling?" - a much easier concept to explain to a child. Just don't tell them this if they're lactose intolerant or vegan (where's the soy filling?).