Wanted: The Grinch, on 304 million counts of breaking and entering, theft, impersonating a government official, and unethical treatment of an endangered species

Well. It's the start of a new day. Tuesday, to be precise. I plan to lock myself in the library today and finish a paper or two. Chances are, this won't go exactly as planned, but I will try nonetheless. More than being the start of a new day, it's the start of something much, much greater- 31x greater to be precise: A new month. That number, however, is only quantitative. In terms of quality, the percent increase is much much higher. Why? Because it is December!

I can hear you asking now "Why do you care about December, Theo? It's just another month! And it's cold!" Well, the answer is that December is not just any month- it's a magical and joyous month. Between the holiday season, New Years (although I know this technically isn't December. Sort of), and my birthday- the month is great for everyone, unless you don't affiliate with a religion/don't celebrate holidays. Or hate happiness. Or both.

You see, in December- the best in people tends to come out. They enter into a month-long holiday spirit, and insist on giving and receiving gifts. And now you're saying "but it's about the spirit, right? Not the gifts? That's what my mommy always told me!" Well, first, you can't believe everything your mother says, can you? For instance, you're not special, Santa isn't real, and you're probably adopted. But second, the answer is: wrong.

The holiday season is all about the material objects. How on earth can you be in a happy mood if you didn't get that new Mercedes you asked for?

Without presents, the
Holiday season would be
Pointless. Oh, and suck.


Okay, I know that that haiku was rather lame, but think about it: without presents, the holiday season would not be a holiday season- no one would care about it except for the religious. Contrary to what Dr. Seuss may want you to believe, our society's Christmas would fail if the Grinch pulled the same stunt he did with Whoville. It would be like holding a dance party without any dancing. Or a pool party without the pool. Or a birthday party without the party. It would be a flop of a holiday. Any holiday that isn't highly commercialized simply fails to be cared for by society, for instance- any Jewish holiday.

I guess, in layman's terms- December would be nothing without all of the over-commercialized material bullshit that goes on. God forbid we have holidays that are about the spirit of them.

Black Stands For Death. Friday Stands for Friday.

Well, that day we've been prepping for since yesterday is finally here. Black Friday! It's just like Christmas eve, but with no real bearing as a holiday. And yet, it's probably one of the most celebrated holidays in the United States. I went to McDonald's at around 12 last night, and there was already line of maybe 10 people outside of Target AND about a 12 person line at the McDonald's drivethru. C'mon people, it's McDonald's!

One question that's probably on most people's minds is "why exactly is it called Black Friday?"

Well, the answer is simple.

It's called Black Friday
Because it's supposed to be
A day of mourning


I bet you're thinking "why on Earth should we be mourning, when we have the opportunity to take advantage of some of greatest deals of the year!?" Well, the answer to that question is also rather simple: It is for mourning the death of dignity and reason, and for the rise of the further predominance of material-society. I can understand camping out to buy movie tickets or sports event tickets, camping out for a Boy Scout trip, or camping out to stalk someone- but camping out to save 50$ on that George Foreman Grill is just sad. Where is your dignity? Our culture has become far too object-oriented. Also, it becomes even more sad when you find out about all of the casualties. Imagine having a policeman knock on your door and be like "I'm so sorry, but your husband died after being trampled by a mob making their way to the computer aisle at Best Buy."

By now you're probably in tears, so I will stop depressing you. And have a happy Black Friday.

Giving Thanks For What's Important

Well, the day that we have all been waiting to arrive for years is upon us. Thanksgiving.

Now, the idea behind the Thanksgiving holiday is straightforward: You eat as much as you can, while giving thanks that you have the money to afford such an unconventional meal while people around the world would kill to have a fraction of the stuffing off of your plate. And then you can live the rest of your year not thanking people for anything.

This raises the question though: what exactly are we supposed to be thankful for? That we have everything we have? That we're still alive? That our cat got better at grooming himself and no longer has a disgusting back? Everyone has something different.

I think that people's
Thanksgiving thanks is a good
Measure of real age


For instance, if someone says that they're thankful for having their whole family alive and well, that their grandmother lived another year, or that they have enough support to stay at college- you can guess that they're mature and/or down-to-Earth. However, if they say that they're thankful for their 60-inch plasma TV, that they still have a lease on their Mercedes, or that they got what they wanted for their birthday- chances are they are five and/or have yet to realize what's important in life. And sometimes, a five-year-old might have more insight into this than a full-grown man.

Weekend of the Loving Parents

And today is another beautifully ugly day. By which I mean just plain ugly. It is almost the weekend!

This particular weekend happens to be parent's weekend, during which freshmen's parents will come visit them. My parents are already here, and got here last night. They brought me additional necessities, including Izzes, Reece's Cups, juice, and my winter coat. I know this wasn't a a lot of background, but heres my haiku:

Parent's weekend is
Just an excuse for parents
To come and visit


I know this may seem incredibly obvious, but think about it. If it weren't for parents weekend, would parents ever come visit their kids? Would their kids let them? I think not. It also allows them to bring supplies, as mine did, and if you're close to home they can bring that pile of laundry that you sent for them to do for you.

I know this post was incredibly short, but I will be posting a vlog post tonight (yes, I know it's not the weekend).

The title is an obscure reference to Night of the Living of Dead. It was going to be "living" parents, but I accidentally typed "o" and realized that it worked better.