Excuses, excuses.

Wow, I've been terrible at updating. But trust me, I have multiple good excuses. 

One: I have tons of work. Even more than usual.

Two: I do make time for myself, but it comes in different forms. First off, I've been writing a fantasy novel. Can you believe it? I certainly can't, but I have almost 11 pages in word now! This is where most of my free time goes.

Okay, so there were just two excuses, but technically, two is more than one, and therefore qualifies as "multiple" excuses.

Last week, I saw The Capitol Steps live. They were awesome. If you don't know who they are, look them up. They're a political satire troupe, and are astounding. They write songs mocking politicians to the tune of popular classic songs. For instance, I saw them perform "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Korea?" (to the tune of "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria, from The Sound of Music as well as "The Lie of the Tiger," and many others.

For this post, rather than giving you a haiku as usual, I have decided to share with you a song in their tradition that I have written.

First, you must know what it's based on. So get Old Time Rock and Roll stuck in your head before listening to this.

Now, imagine someone impersonating Glen Beck as the singer.

Just take your phone, get ready to call

I’ve got solutions for problems big and small

Buy whatever coinage you are told

I like that Gold Line collector’s gold.

If you want your problems to grow gray and old

Just call the number you see on the screen

You’ll have gold fit for a queen

I like that Gold Line collector’s gold

Still like that Gold Line collector’s gold

The kind of riches that sooth the soul

Antique coins are a sight to behold

With that Gold Line collector’s gold.

Don’t let the government take yours away

With FDR’s mandate they very well may

If you don’t want to lose all you’re sold

Start buying Gold Line Collector’s gold

Don’t you dare get those bullion, no!

Numismatic are the way to go

They’re mostly worthless, but you don’t know

So buy that Gold Line collector’s gold

Th-th-that's all folks! Until next time.

Pew pew pew

You know, if you haven't noticed, it's been over a week since my last blogpost. I feel like such a terrible human being. If you haven't been, make sure to check out my Twitter accounts (really, please do. Some of the stuff I say is actually funny. I promise), which are a bit easier to update every day (I give links in the previous post).

This coming month is a busy month. We're having lots of concerts and people coming: M.I.A., Phoenix, Donald Glover, Wynton Marsalis, Frank Warren (creator of http://www.postsecret.com/), and Louis C.K. (a comedian from Boston with his own show).

Between all of this, I will be incredibly busy working shows (pretty much one every single week). That being said, I know everyone generally has similar things on their schedule, be it a cappella, a job, or chess club (seriously, that stuff's addicting). And, though I know that this may sound cliche, I'm going to say it anyways:

Between homework, jobs,
And other things, make sure to
Make time for yourself

I know it's hard, but just an hour a day of taking some time for yourself (be it reading, watching TV, or playing video games) is invaluable in keeping your sanity.  I know that if I didn't get my proper number of bad-guy-kills per day, I'd probably explode from stress with little metaphorical bits and pieces of me coating the wall like the blood of my enemies (I am sane, I promise).

The title of this post is dedicated to the sound my imaginary laser gun makes when I shoot it.

Labor Day indeed

I am a horrible person.

Well, not really- but I have neglected to properly keep up my blog. My plan had been to post when I actually had something to say, rather than forcing myself to say something. So far that hasn't exactly worked, as I've found myself rarely having anything to say. I would reassure you that I'm trying to change this, but I can make no promises.

You see, I'm super busy this semester. I have my usual clubs and extracurriculars, but my classes are far more rigorous than they were last semester. Also, I have been trying to do more work on my songs. I have about 5 mostly completed ones at this point, though I will not be posting them online until they are in a presentable state (aka when they have good singing). I am quite proud of them though.

Yesterday was Labor Day, and, in a history-making choice, we had a significant holiday off! As a result though, irony was unavoidable, since it was a three day weekend. Allow me to elaborate in a poetic haiku (bet you didn't see that coming):

There's nothing quite like
Observing Labor Day by
Spending it working.

Yep, the entire day was spent doing homework. A holiday well spent.

In other news, this in my blog's 1 year anniversary.

I shall try to bring updates more often. But actually. Really. Sorry. Fin.

Oh, and also- if you happen to miss me between posts- check out my Twitter accounts:

http://twitter.com/Teowulf  (my normal account)

http://twitter.com/FictFacts (where I make up fun facts)

Feminism

Well, I've had 2 days of classes thus far. I've got to say, they look like they'll be good, though I'm sure I will have my work cut out for me (lots of readings and such).

All of the classes are very interesting so far, though I have noticed something about all of them- the male:female ratio is not quite representative of the school's ratio. In every single one of my classes (that I've been to so far), the male:female ratio is somewhere between 1:4 and 1:6. Now, I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, though for someone in a relationship (myself included), there are not especially any benefits of having a class full of girls.

Now, I would recommend the classes for single guys as a way to meet girls, except there's one important caveat: most of the classes are in the Feminist and Gender Studies department. Here's what this means

If you're looking to
"Meet girls" like at parties
Avoid feminists

I don't mean for this to sound sexist, but what I'm trying to say is that guys who are set on picking up girls for one night stands would better spend their time on people not in feminist classes. Something tells me that they will not so readily succumb to advances as, say, an econ major (no offense to any econ majors out there). So I guess what I'm saying is don't join my class unless you have serious romantic intentions. Or if you like the subject, I guess.

Sheriously.

If you haven't been paying attention to my Facebook or Twitter, then this will be news to you. If you have, you can skip to the next paragraph (you won't though, will you?). The other week, I was accepted into the College Scholar Program at Cornell. Essentially, it means I can write my own ticket/major. In my proposal, I focused on humor. So yes, that does essentially mean that I will be majoring in humor.

While this may seem incredibly awesome (which it is), it will also be alot of work, considering that I'll be writing some sort of epic thesis that somehow incorporates everything I will have learned in my years at college. However, I have a while to think about that, so I'd prefer not to worry at the moment. I'm sure the topic will come to me. Eventually.

Now, if you were to assume that because I'm majoring in humor I'm gonna be funnier, that's a complete misconception.

Having a good sense
Of humor does not equate
To being funny

That's right. Just because I'm going to be studying funny people and memorizing countless quotes and quips does not mean that I myself will be any funnier. And, since I'll be studying humor seriously, I expect that I shall be taking it seriously, and whenever I say something funny, you'll have to stop and think about it from a scholarly point of view without any hint of laughter. Or else.

A Triumphant Return

Wow. Sorry for saying that I'd try to update my blog over the summer, and then failing miserably to do so. I've just been busy, and, to be honest- there wasn't much to talk about. Home is not college, and anyone can sit on their butts at home observing what goes on- that's what Twitter's for. It takes a real pro to observe college from a real subjective, poetic viewpoint. I have a New College) Year resolution, which is to actually keep my posts a reasonably length. It'll be challenging, but I think I can do it.

Now, the question I'm sure all 2 of you are asking is whether I can just pick up my blog again and be as good as before. I'm not gonna make any promises, but I can guarantee you that I will try as hard as I can possibly attempt to try maybe.

And the moment you've all been waiting for:

Haikus are quite hard
To come back to after a
While. Obviously.

If you're wondering what I've been doing that's had me so busy, it's a variety of things. One such thing is my songwriting. I have been doing much songwriting. It's not funny writing, it's actually rap believe it or not. However, as my paper from my summer course argues, much of rap music is incredibly witty. And I'd like to think some of my work falls into that category. So I thought I would occasionally take the opportunity to share various rhymes with you. This will not be one of those occasions.

Ghosts

I'm DONE! Well, done with my freshman year that is. Finally turned in my College Scholar proposal which marks the end of school work for my first year! Doesn't feel especially different though... maybe because I'm taking a summer course which starts a month from now.

It is awfully weird though. For the past however-many months, I've been living in this fantastical college world, and now here I am in the real world. Still unemployed.

The other day I learned something interesting: Apparently record companies give songwriting contracts. New dream career path? I think so. And call me strange if you'd like for not wanting to be a real musician (slash performer), but if I could make money off of writing pop songs, I would never have to work a day in my life (hooray for cliches!). I suppose I'm just different:

It's not everyday
That someone aspires to
Have a ghost career

Recently, I've realized that almost all of the jobs I would be interested in life are "ghost" jobs. Writing for a television show, writing songs, writing speeches, writing almost anything aside from books, really. Really though, I don't want to be famous, and if I can make money just riding the curtails of fame. Think about it, if I got a song-writing contract, I could be doing exactly what I'm doing right now in my free-time, only making money from it. That's a BIG "if" though.

Wanted: work

Well, the job search is a fail thus far. Who would have thought that it would be so hard to find a job, even in a retail environment. No luck with bookstores or restaurants, and still need to take a look at other places. I'm beginning to think that it would be easier to land a record deal than it would be to find a paying job.

Honestly, you'd think it'd be a little bit simpler for perfectly qualified college students to find jobs. But nope, the process is impossible. Every job I either don't fit or I'm overqualified for (I'm pretty sure that the number of Ivy League students that have set foot in Abercrombie is smaller than the number it takes to screw in a light bulb (1-5, depending on the version of the joke). No offense to Abercrombie, it's just the nature of the store).

What I find more ridiculous is the number of graduates who can't find jobs. Namely those in English, linguistics, sociology, or any other field I'm interested in. It's unfortunate really. All of these college-educated students doing jobs that could be performed by high school drop-outs. Which brings me to my haiku:

Something forgotten
About college is that it
Is an investment

The point of college is not to drink, party, or have fun. It's to learn- and importantly, it's also an investment. People spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to go to school because they expect to make it back. Because college is worth that much. But when college kids are busy working a cash register, using less-than middle school math skills, it just seems like such a waste. Maybe it's a hint that colleges need to lower tuition, or maybe it's just a sign that they need to do a better job helping their students to find jobs. Who knows. All I know is that I don't have a job, and need one.

Cruel and unusual punishment

It's Friday! I don't really care though, because it's the summer and I lose track of the days- because that happens.

Today, I was at the dentists' office. Very fun. Lucky for me, I don't have any cavities and I don't need to get my wisdom teeth out. Good thing it took me a hundred-and-something dollar dentist trip to learn that.

People always complain about dentists being torture, but honestly I don't see it- maybe I've just been lucky. I mean, sure- it's annoying and sometimes painful, but it's really not that bad. Whatever sinks your boat, I suppose.

If people really find it that bad, here are my thoughts:


They need to get some
Dentists for Guantanamo,
That's good torture

Really, if you want new means of cruel and unusual punishment, look no further than dentists. The only real problem I can see is that it's hard to talk when their picking your teeth with metal. Maybe that's a good thing. It can allow all those hygienists to blabber away like they're hair dressers, while the person in the chair can say nothing. Now that's torture. I'm sure it wouldn't be long before a suspected terrorist would crack while under that kind of pressure. And if they don't, you can always threaten them with the bill.

On a side note, shouldn't psychologists be paid to get haircuts? Seems like hairdressers get paid to receive what people normally pay for.

Assholes

You may have noticed that I didn't put up a post yesterday. This is because I am no longer at school, and therefore don't have as regular hours to follow. I also don't have nearly as much to talk about since there's no college life to comment on. To that effect, I have decided to start updating my blog on a less regular basis for the summer (as opposed to just giving it up completely like I did for winter and spring breaks). So expect posts every few days. From now on I will be posting when I have something to talk about rather than posting to talk about anything I think of on the spot.

And I have something this time. I have come to a thought-provokingly profound conclusion regarding human nature: People are assholes. It's true, really. They lie, they cheat, they steal, they don't reply to you regarding jobs and internships (and don't even have the courtesy to say "sorry, you didn't get it), they give you false hope, they will insult you behind your back, stab you in the back if they feel like it, stab you in the front if they don't know you as well, or just act plain asshole-ish. In this post, I'm only really replying to one of those things: stealing.

Lots of people pirate. It's a pretty petty process, and quite common (I wanted to say "pretty common," but just had to get "pretty petty" in somewhere). They pirate music, movies, TV shows, games, pornography, the seven seas, and random software. I'm thinking of a special case.

I can understand
Pirating, but pirating
From charities? Douchebags.

In the news, I came across an article regarding a game bundle for sale online. Not only do proceeds from it go to charity, but customers can set their own price at which to buy. They can buy it at one cent, one dollar, or ten dollars. So for one measly penny, you can get a game- yet people go and pirate it? That's just plain low. It's like going up to a kid giving out free pamphlets, kicking him, and taking a pamphlet after he keels over. I just don't understand people. Sure, you don't have a credit card to put it on, but it's really not that hard to borrow one from a friend. I'm sure they'd be concerned about that one cent going to charity. Seriously, if you want the game, at least pay the one cent to get it. Or even better, pay 20 dollars, and feel good that you're compensating for over 2000 assholes (assuming they all were forced to pay 1 cent each).

Source: http://kotaku.com/5535744/

The morning after

Been working on my English essay all morning so I haven't had the proper time window in which to post.

Today, much like Mother's Day, is a special day. It's the day after Mother's Day. A transitional day really.

After mother's day,
The mother's role goes back to
The opposite one.

It's probably the biggest change from one day to another- even more so than Opposite Day. One day the kids are making mom breakfast, the next day she's doing it for them and cleaning up from the previous day's mess. They give her flowers, she has to take care of them. They do the shopping for her, she has to go and buy non high-fructose corn syrup based foods. And you get the point. While the intentions of Mother's Day are pure (except for Hallmark and all of the stores), the drawbacks of it can make it not necessarily worth the hassle. Or maybe they are. Who knows, I certainly won't since I will never (probably) be a mother.

The ultimate gift

It's a very special day today. No, it's not National Water Bottle Appreciation day, or Warren G. Harding's birthday. It's not some obscure Jewish or Canadian holiday. It's not Memorial Day or Veteran's Day. Still don't know what today is? Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, you might want to run to the store. Today is Mother's Day! That's right, once again you need to buy your mom presents, and yes- we all now it's unfair because they get three holidays for presents a year and you only get two. But honestly, your present is where you are now, because without them you wouldn't be there. Unless you're living in a cardboard box, which is a pretty bad present.

Mother's Day is the day to show appreciation for all that your mom has done for you. And that means getting her flowers and a nice card. Why's that? Well, it's quite simple really:

Nothing says "thanks for
The past nineteen years full of
Support" like flowers

Really, it's true. In spite of the thousands of dollars she spends on you for food and college and presents and things and clothing and shelter- getting her the ultimate gift of a $6 bouquet of flowers and a $1 Far Side card really says thank you like nothing else. And if you don't even go that far to thank her, you're a disgrace to sons and daughters everywhere. Jerk.

National Zip-Lock Baggie Appreciation Day

It's Slope Day, and you know what means! Well... it means a number of things I guess.

First of all, don't be surprised if, when walking down your dorm's halls, you smell alcohol. It's a perfectly normal side effect the holiday. Especially in Donlon (that one dorm I talked about way back when... they're gonna be having a lot of ambulances today, I bet).

Second, it means that everyone is going to be gathered in one place. So if you happen to want to meet with someone for a study session on the slope, I'd recommend saving it for tomorrow (or the day after, depending on the efficiency of the cleanup).

Funny that we have
No usual holidays
But still have Slope Day

Most college campuses have some sort of day like Slope Day. It's just a common occurence. But most other schools also have Presidents' Day, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Yom Kippur, Passover, Boxing Day, National Zip-lock Baggie Appreciation Day, and many more. Yet we have none but the last of those. So why do we have Slope Day, if they're so set on ridding the school of holidays, puppies, unicorns, balloons, and happiness? Well, I think that it's simply something that they cannot eliminate. They can try their best to restrict access, to have classes, or to distract people from it- but really, if they were to eliminate it there would be a rebellion. Or a hunger strike. Or just a lot of people getting drunk with their stored-up alcohol. That sounds more like college.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off x 20,000

Thursday! And it's the last day of classes.... well sort of. I suppose technically speaking, tomorrow is the last day of classes- but I don't think many people will be going tomorrow. If you're not a student here, the reason for that is Slope Day- a massive concert and celebration on the slope where absolutely nobody is drunk, nooooo.

Some professors are having class tomorrow, and either threatening that people go, or offering extra credit for those who do. Either is a dumb move though. Why? Well:

To have class on Slope
Day is sacrilegious and
Must be avoided

Yesterday, my linguistics professor told us that we would not formally be having class because he doesn't expect anyone to come. However, he said that for any linguistic-loving, etymology-enticed souls, he would be there.

My TA for my English class moved our discussion forward "in observance of Slope Day." That's how you need to do it. It is just plain blasphemy to have class on slope day, and it must be avoided at all times. It is your right to skip class if your teacher imposes on you. Of course, you also have the right to fail if your teacher's a douchebag, so it's probably smarter to go if you don't expect your teacher to be cooperative.

Britches and hose

The week is almost halfway through! Now if it could only be over. Test today, recital today, essay due tomorrow, presentation due tomorrow, and then BAM- Slope Day and I can relax. Then once I'm done relaxing I can pack my bags, take the 7 hour trip home, do another essay, then another essay, then another essay, and then one last essay! Yay, should be a fun-filled few fortnight (I only really used "fortnight" because I liked the alliteration, though it still works. Fun fact: "fortnight" comes from saying "fourteen nights."

In other news, I have learned something which very well may shape my entire future. You may have heard the song "Airplanes." It's number 3 on the iTunes singles chart (was #2) and is number 9 (number 9.... number 9) on Billboard. Now that its popularity is established, I'd like to share a little piece of information you may not know about the song: It was written by 2 Cornell students.

By "written," I mean that the chorus and music are by them, and somehow (friends in high places probably), B.o.B. got a hold of it, and now it's a hit single. Shows what a little initiative can do.

If Cornell students
Can write a hit single, I
Can too. Possibly.

The reason I say possibly is because it's unlikely. I admit that my song-writing is pretty good, and that I can also make some fantastic rhymes, but the chance of it becoming a hit single is low. It also probably doesn't help that most of my rhymes are sexual in spite of the fact that I generally dislike songs that are all about objectifying women. I need to rapping about britches and hose, not bitches and hoes. It's unfortunate, really. But I guess a mind in the gutter can somehow result in some clever phrasings. And it also probably doesn't help that I make allusions... the popular audience likely won't understand it when I reference Michelangelo, Moses, or the fall of Rome... sadly. I could share some rhymes, but most are inappropriate and my parents make up a third of my readership, so I will refrain from it for now (although if Shakespeare's parents read his blog, who probably couldn't have posted 75% of his work).

Source: http://www.news.cornell.edu/stories/May10/HipHopAirplanes.html

Won't you be my neighbor?

When it comes to offering up things to blame, I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at it. Whether I'm blaming the toaster for burning my toast in spite of it being my fault setting it too high, or whether I'm blaming the weather for my not getting work done. However, there are often people who are much better (for worse) at pinning the blame. For instance, Hitler was pretty good at blaming the Jews (I know, it's horrible, but it's true). Also, Jamie Foxx is good at blaming alcohol, and Fox is good at blaming democrats. But the most interesting blaming by far I have seen of late, is one I read in an article the other day.

The article talks of a professor at University of Louisiana who decided that the reason today's youth feel so entitled is the fault of one man: Mr. Rodgers.

Yes, I know, it is pretty mortifying to think that such a beacon of hope and inspiration for the nation's youth could be dubbed a negative influence in the long run. If you're wondering where I stand on this issue, here is my response:

Fred Rogers meant well,
And probably helped children
More than anything

First off, I'd like to emphasize that the morals preached in Mr. Rodgers's show were all very positive. Second, I'd like to point that chances are parents had a much greater on their children's morals than a television character ever did. And any influence he did have probably was simply a positive influence on self-esteem, because honestly- simply a telling a child that he or she is special will not make them believe it. They would have to actually accomplish something to make them feel special. And if that's the case, there's a good chance they're not the type to feel entitled. Well, maybe they will- but in any case, someone who has accomplished enough to have a sense of entitlement (no offense, really), probably wouldn't be gong to University of Louisiana in the first place. So in that context, I personally would assign the sense of entitlement to the easiest thing to blame anything on: poor parenting. So leave Mr. Rodgers out of this, and find out what percentage of your students actually ever watched the show before jumping to such an outrageous conclusion.

Source: http://online.wsj.com/public/article/SB118358476840657463.html

The fountain of youth

Apparently Ithaca just received the whole "April showers bring May flowers" memo. Literally 5 minutes ago. One minute the weather was just plain cloudy, and in the next the clouds sprung a leak and it began pouring on us.

These past few weeks I've been reading an incredibly entertaining and thought provoking book by Tom Robbins called Jitterbug Perfume. The novel brings death and avoiding it into question, and goes to great lengths to describe the process of immortality. It really got me thinking. The conclusion that I came to?

Immortality
May not be possible but
You may as well try

All of the processes described in the book are the very same that doctors recommend for longevity. However, nowadays between war and cancer, the chances of immortality are slim. And I'm sure it's no coincidence that "immortality" is so similar in word structure to "immorality."All in all, I've come to the conclusion that I will try my best to be immortal, and if I fail like everyone else in the enterprise, I could at least say I tried. In the end, it really comes to one of the character's quotes: "Dying is a tradition, and I am simply not the type of fellow who defies tradition."

Music to my ears

Well, apparently Ithaca decided that it's summer now, judging by the weather. Understandable, since it's May now. Hard to believe.

Today, I am reflecting on a popular mantra I heard one of my teacher's mention in a lecture the other day.

Whoever first said
"Music to my ears" never
Heard awful music

Really, just because something's a relief to hear does not make it music to the ears. Personally, I think that the saying just isn't specific enough. They need to narrow down the term "music." For instance, if you hear something nice, you can say that it's "Simon and Garfunkel to my ears." But if you hear some horrible news, you could say that it's "Nickelback to my ears" or "Miley Cyrus to my ears." Really, just because it's music does not mean it's pleasant. And trust me, the Nickelback blasting for suspected terrorists in Guantanamo is probably not music to their ears.

Short post today. It's Sunday.

Remember that disturbing video you saw in high school bio that one day? Yeh, that one...

The other day, I passed by a scene outside of Olin Library, which brought me to the brink of vomiting. No, it was not any sort of bodily excrement- for I have stepped in my fair share of doggy doo, and have become accustomed to it. No, it was not any sort of spider or any possible disgusting result of nature... Actually, that's not true. Take the part of nature which is the most natural part of all- a trait common to almost all of Earth's creatures. Now apply that to humans and you have the vomitrocious sight I saw.

That's right, I saw two humans practically reproducing in public space. Now, they weren't actually in the process of mating, but they were very much enthralled in a ritualistic run around the bases that ends in home plate. They were about 120 feet in to that run, sliding into second base. Had I been in a more volatile mood, I may have shouted "get a room." However, I chose to maintain the generally respectable demeanor I keep about me, and my mouth refrained from yelling the words in my head. Though I did end up coming to a conclusion, and the fact that I'm writing about it now only shows that apparently I'm fine with being passive-aggressive as opposed to just plain aggressive. Considering that I'm not naming or directing this at any individuals in particular, I don't think it's too bad.

People showcasing
Their love in public somehow
Are compensating.

I don't want to go all Freudian analysis on it, mainly because I lack the knowledge to, but my general thoughts surrounding this are that anyone who feels it necessary to straddle their mate in public (I say mate because the lack of self-decency is animalistic in more than one way) must have some sort of insecurity when it comes to their relationship. Again, I'm not sure how it works- but if you really need to show off to the world "look, we're nauseatingly in love," chances are you're only trying to prove it to yourself. I would be highly interested in reading a sociological study on the length of relationships with common decency versus those with incredibly public showcases of affection and hornyness. My guess would be that those without displays would have a statistically significant increase in the chance for a long-term relationship. Sorry if I offended any of you who may fall under this category. I'm sure you're a very cute couple if you're reading this blog.

Decosmication

An article in the Chronicle of Higher Education cited a study that students who have social media (phones, interwebs, etc) taken away from them experience withdrawal symptoms, similar to those experienced by alcoholics or drug addicts.

My reaction to this study?

Social media
Is too big to be denied.
Just like oxygen.

Seriously, if you're researching the withdrawal signs from the internet and texting, you may as well also research those signs for oxygen and water. If you don't know- the withdrawal symptoms often associated with those are suffocation and dehydration. The only difference with social media is that the withdrawal symptoms don't have a label pinned to them yet. To that effect, I have decided to personally dub the withdrawal from social media as "decosmication" (and no that word has never been used on the internet before. Google it). If you are at all familiar with linguistics, you will see that I simply used the Greek root for universe, since, in this day and age, to be deprived of technology is to be deprived of the universe.

Honestly though, this study may be a little bit excessive, if you ask me. We know that technology is necessary in day to day life for the average person- and vital for the average college student. Without a computer, one suddenly loses the ability to check homework, do homework, and communicate in general.

The article, if you're curious: http://chronicle.com/blogPost/Students-Denied-Social-Media/23561/