Twilight: Irrestible Evocation of Inedible Synonyms, With 33% More Angst Per Chapter!

Well, I promised, so here it is.

Twilight.... Twilight... where to start. So many things to make fun of, so little time. And most of it has been done. Actually, all of it has probably been done.

But I'll try to be as original as I can, not knowing any of the parodies.

Twilight is really just your standard boy meets girl story. Except it's more like: boy stalks girl and watches her sleep, boy saves girl's life, girl falls in love with boy completely superficially, girl and boy angst, boy and girl angst some more, boy saves girl's life again, boy want to kill girl, boy sucks girls blood, etc, etc, etc, you know the rest. And it's not necessarily in that order.

Now, it's not just that the plot is ridiculous and cliche- it's that the book is horribly written. For numerous reasons. The first, and perhaps most obvious, is this fact:

Twilight could not be
Without the synonym thing
In Microsoft Word

If you read the book, you could get that idea within a couple of minutes. Allow me to provide an example:

With his porcelain skin, golden eyes, mesmerizing voice, and supernatural gifts, Edward is both irresistible and impenetrable

Now, let's see what that actually means when we un-synonym-ize it:

With his ceramic skin, golden eyes, interesting voice, and weird gifts, Edward is both tempting and dense

I no longer blame her for using that button.

Now, I will provide you with some lines from Twilight, and you can guess if Stephanie Meyer wrote them, or if I did.

"I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night."

"This kiss frightened me. There was too much tension"

"If I could dream at all it would be about you, and I'm not ashamed of it."

"Yes, I know that I'm an angsty, moody douchebag who hasn't showered in a hundred years- but you're an angst-ridden, temperamental, ungrateful bitch, and I want to be with you. More than that, I want to be angsty with you, and have angsty sex, but not until after marriage so we can subliminally create Mormon undertones."

If you guessed that I wrote any of those- you're dead wrong. All of those were written by Stephanie Meyer. Such prose, am I right? Although that last one is actually quite poetic, if I do say so myself.